‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
This tweet has been deleted
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Put this video in the Louvre
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
A Short Story.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts