If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down