“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
groan^2
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.