date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water