millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
my mind
You just read my mind
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.