My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY