Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
You Might Also Like
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I鈥檓 like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touch茅
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
give a man a fish, that鈥檚 a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that鈥檚 okay, we鈥檙e pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that鈥檚 extrusively marblous to hear
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsg氓rd: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a pi帽ata!”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there鈥檚 a lot of weirdos out there.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can鈥檛 go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??