[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
🤣🤣
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.