If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.