What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen