Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
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Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me