Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Actually cracking up @ this
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.