tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
You Might Also Like
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”