The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
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in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Finally!
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.