Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!