Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don鈥檛 feel so bad anymore.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he鈥檚 a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
There goes my Valentine鈥檚 Day plans..
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son鈥檚 text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn鈥檛 need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I鈥檓 not convinced that Trader Joe鈥檚 is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn鈥檛 about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I鈥檓 barely holding it together
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Can鈥檛 stop laughing.. 馃槀
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.