Tik Tok is a national treasure.
You Might Also Like
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
😂😂
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.