Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Day 2 of my diet
Effort made
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.