Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you