*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
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You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”