*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
what kind of cook setting is this??
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.