coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
buying dead houseplants to save time
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Matt Goss
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel