Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
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If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.