My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
My wife gives the best headache.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids