mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
R.I.P.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Stop it! 😂
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?