Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
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Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Only short people can save us
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them