Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
You Might Also Like
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.