I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
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Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea