Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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*pronounces woah like Noah*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me, flirting😏
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here