whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
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“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
🌱🌱🌱
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.