I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
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Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Your honor these allegations are
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”