“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.