Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
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The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Buying a well is money well spent.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
the answer was staring at me all along
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
What the hell happened in there??
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”