going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing