Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
You Might Also Like
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My love language is deader than Latin
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?