robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
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Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.