The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
it must be school picture day
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something