I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.