My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
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I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY