Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway