Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
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Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
me irl
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.