I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Sombrero is better than nobrero.