Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope