Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave