“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
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Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Every house has this drawer
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…