me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I only treason on days ending in y
Got him!