dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
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A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
uh oh
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
How I like cutting carbs
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.