Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Roses are red, you always mattered,
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.