DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.