The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
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My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Woke up against my better judgement again
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
The Joker was right
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago